Tales From the Milk Drinker

Yesterday Joey and I got the jorb of driving our Aunt Linda back to the airport in Moncton. She was here from Ontario to attend my grandmother's funeral. After we dropped her off the logical thing to do would be go dick around the mall since it's such a big mall but instead we went to magic mountain to ride the water slides.

There were these two sweet blue ones that are new since the last time I was there. They're side by side on the same tower and one is a steep straight run (I would say steeper than 45 degrees) and the other is a twisty one like a cork screw. The twisty one, while not as steep, actually proved to be a better ride because if you'll remember grade 12 physics the body can not sense velocity, it can only sense acceleration (otherwise travel by commercial jet would be a terrifying experience at speeds of 500 mph+). You'll also realize that twisting a slide around gives the rider a different type of acceleration - angular instead of linear. It was a huge thrill. Both of these new slides have a straight flat shute full of water you go through at the bottom to stop you at the end of your ride instead of running into a swimming pool.

There was a weight limit of 200lbs on the slides so we both had to fib a little about our mass - but I'm confidant as an engineering graduate that if they say 200 is the cut off being over that by any less than 100 should still be no issue. 200 is just some asshole's opinion of a weight that is definately safe. A lot of little kids were amazed when we'ld go down how big of a splash we'ld make at the bottom.

They insist you lie down flat with your legs crossed and arms tucked under your head. Of course I refused to let a fifteen year old lifeguard tell me how to do my job even if she was in a very tiny bikini. Since my legs were uncrossed most of the time and I kept one arm free to plug my nose with I ended up having different flow characteristics through the slow down tube than a rider in the recommended position. This caused me to flip over violently several times and bang my face on one of them. I also did something funny to one of my back muscles and today it feels like I was run over by a small car.

I can't wait to go back. It was only fifteen bucks.